Auditions and iPod

I auditioned for our musical this spring on Wednesday. I sang the song On My Own from Les Mis. I thought it went pretty well, but I didn't say so, because two of my friends were playing the we-suck game and talking about how bad it went. Then we took about half an hour to learn a dance. It was kinda fun, but a little hard. But I enjoyed and I was infintely more prepared than last year, so I didn't even feel nerveous until I got on stage. But it turns out that I didn't get callbacks, although two of my friends did. Technically not getting callbacks doesn't mean anything. I could still get a lead part, but I have strong feeling that I won't. And to be honest, I can't decide if I even want a big part. There is a part of me, as there is in every actor (or person really) that wants to be the star. But I think it would be less fun and so much more stressful and at least 3 times harder. So, I don't know.

Also yesterday we had our ExEd Shopping day and I think I know what ExEd I want to go on. I really want to go on Following the Ute with Lara Okamoto and Kirk Gregory, two of the funniest, most energetic teachers in the school and I think I have a pretty good chance of getting on it.

Yesterday I also lost my purse, but I found it and then later I discovered that I had misplaced my iPod. I had left it on the table at lunch and there was a chance that one of my friends had picked it up, but I thought that was unlikely. I had basically committed in my head to spending $220 on a new iPod. This morning, my friend gave me my iPod back, saying that she had had it since lunch and I found that although I was excited to get it there was definately a part of me that was like, "But I wanted a new iPod.....but but but....*sigh*...oh well." I find that kinda funny. But I'm a teenager, what do you expect. The idea of saving money escapes me. Ok well more later.

How pathetic am I?? Here I sit, at work again and all I can think about is a certain man in a certain TV show that I am never going to meet or become friends with or fall in love with, not for real. I feel like I know, but I don’t know matter how many movies I watch and how many special features or how many youtube videos I watch. I love his character and I love how he appears in all the videos I can find of him, but that isn’t the real him. It’s the same problem I ran into with the Jonas Brothers, it’s the idea of him. But still I sit obsessed with this man, praying he will come to Aspen. I hate this feeling, the feeling of waiting for something that will never happen. It’s getting worse, because I getting to the place in my life, when I am actually starting to entertain that things are possible for me, even things like this. He haunts my thoughts and my dreams and even my actions. There is a part of me that wants him either completely in my life or out of it. But there is yet another part of me that doesn’t actually want to meet him, afraid of what I will learn. But there is the part of me that holds out hope that when (not if) I do meet him, he will be like I think he is and I will actually have a chance. Reality never reaches that part of me. I seems to also be the part that is eternally optimistic. In that part of my head, I am going to grow up and either write a book or create a TV show and then get married to one of my celebrity crushes and live happily ever after. I wish I could make things happen by sheer force of willpower, well I guess that is truly how everything happens. Someone wills it to be, makes it happen. Alright then, the first thing I will is that this day ends. Then I will that I graduate high school with at least a 3.8 GPA. I will that I get a full ride to the college of my choice and that I do what I want when I get out, no matter if that has changed from what it is now. But of course even after that tangent the first thing that I think of is him. Him, of the chiseled features and little bit of stubble, him of sculpted muscles and goofy faces. I live so much in my dreams that I am not sure sometime that any part of it is even remotely possible. Could I start a band with Erin? Could I write a book? Could I create a TV show? Or even get into a good college. I am not sure. My brain no longer separates the attainable from the unattainable, because I have started to believe I can do stuff and this has screwed up my whole system. My system was that I had no dreams that were attainable, none at all. But then I started to believe in myself, I started to think that maybe I could really sing and maybe I can change my ways and be a pleasant person. Maybe I do have the acting chops to get famous or the smarts to get into get into college. I guess I finally started to believe what other people were saying and see my own potential, but that brings with it a whole host of other problems. It means that I have hope and that I can now be disappointed if something doesn’t go my way, because I hope it will. Before I never held out the hope, so I either surprised or proved correct, but never disappointed. But now thinking I actually have a shot, when I miss that shot, or don’t get called off the bench, it becomes much more of a blow. I think that’s part of why, even though I am 16 my friend and I still have this thing called The Game that we have been playing for 9 years. Although it is in it’s 20th or so incarnation, it is still at its heart a pretend game or the kind that small children play. We both reside in our imaginations for the time we play The Game. Sometimes I love it and sometimes I don’t want to play at all. This game has changed with us as we grew up and our interests changed. It has grown with us and is almost a living thing with a mind of it’s own. We get bored sometimes and skip over 5 months at a time and sometimes we plan every second meticulously. It is a way to take a breather from real life and have fun with our fantasies. We even incorporate our favorite shows.